Passive Problematic Pew Warmer

AliciaService Reflections0 Comments

We’re all guilty of being our own worst critic, our own worst enemy on occasion, but there’s an emotion far more divisive to our Christian walk. The indifferent, stagnating and often blinding emotion of complacency or self-satisfaction. What makes this feeling of contentment so dangerous is it usually strides in hand-in-hand into our lives with trouble or worse an arrogant unawareness of danger.

I recently sat in a meeting doodling away, absent-mindedly looking up appearing to be listening. Yet, when it was time to share out I had nothing to contribute. So I chose to blend into my group, desperately hoping NOT to get called upon. Which made me reflect on the many occasions I’ve done the same in church, not once, not twice, but for extended periods in my life. I’d like to say my status as a pew warmer was limited to the spiritually dry seasons in my life. The times when I’ve either thrown myself into a spiritual desert or were dumped into it by life circumstances. Whichever way I got there it was where, at different seasons in my life I’d chosen to stay. All the while on the outside, going to church, saying all the “right” Christian lingo, but being as relevant as a pet rock or chronic pew warmer in my case.

I’d spiritually settled for a mediocre passing acquaintance with Christ when what He wanted, what I needed was, and is an on-fire relationship with my Maker. For in that true intimacy my soul finds serenity and I discover an astonishing world of treasures before me, one that was always there, but my lethargy blinded me to. Yet, only if I choose to quit honing the art of blending in and in order to do that I needed to stop focusing on all the reasons why I could never fit in, be grateful for the changes I have been able to make and be at peace with those I can’t.

I was born with Cerebral Palsy impacting the way I walk, my motor skills and as I began to grow developed into some physical deformities. One of which being my feet are two different sizes, by almost two whole sizes. Needless to say I am now a passionate advocate against bullying because I what I experienced. Yes, I now use the word “experienced” over “endured” because doctors have done a lot to “fix” me. What’s left are reminders of God’s provision, and if it weren’t for those experiences I wouldn’t be who I am today. I always knew I was strong and I can honestly say it takes more strength to be a survivor than a victim. As a victim I never really had to take responsibility for anything. All I had to do was cry and whip out the victim card. Although as a survivor I had to, I have to own my anger (no matter how justified) and take responsibility for what I’d done, what I’ve done in my anger… Including being apathetic, passively taking from the alter simply because I’d convinced myself no one wanted what I had to give.

For in that true intimacy my soul finds serenity and I discover an astonishing world of treasures before me..

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